if all you did today was stay alive, you’re doing great.

I’m exceptionally good at blogging. #consistency.

I’m not going to lie. I’m really struggling with this whole pandemic. Real life was enough of a challenge for me, just getting up is a challenge. Choosing to be a part of life is a challenge. But this pandemic really has me in a horrible mentality.

It’s so weird to be a “helper” human and be unable to help. Back home, I was proudly involved with Emergency Social Services, and whenever there was anything, I was sure to be there, doing something. Anything.
But this crisis has me in a state of uselessness. I’m catching a cold (yes, a cold) so I’ve got myself holed up in the house, and I’m losing it. I just want to be out there fixing something.

It’s not like this is any different than any other day for me. As a hermit who works from home, nothing has /really/ changed, but everything has changed, and my heart hurts for it.

Right now we need to band together and be there for each other, but we have to remember to show up for ourselves and be there for yourself. I have to remember to be there for me. And show up for me. And every day it gets harder to do that.

The thing about depression is that your brain lies to you and tells you horrible things. But all of those horrible things are my reality now. And it’s getting to be too much. I know I need to reach out and connect with my humans and check in on others, but I just can’t. My heart aches for everyone and my little empath heart is just too broken to handle all of the stress, pain, and fear. I want to prepare for the worst; batch cook, start my survival garden, take sewing/mending more seriously, be a good wife, be a good home-keeper, but as soon as I start to move to do something, I’m halted by this immense sadness.

I’m just a giant false start with a heavy heart and an inability to let out whatever this beast is weighing me down.

I wish my medication did something.

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The sun is out. THE SUN IS OUT.

This past week has been an experience.
It was quite a busy week, with appointments and friendships and doin’ stuff.
On Friday it snowed again, and everything was icy and sad. I went for a trip to Ikea with some friends and found some more produce bags. (They’re fun market bags, a bit pricey, but will help me draft my own when I finally decide to crochet again). Catlord and I went over to our friend Tyler’s for a bit and played with/were attacked by his cat Winnie. We convinced him to play The Witness and now his life is being consumed by that.

Side note: If you have not played the Witness, play it. If you have a playstation and ps+, it is currently the game of the month, and you should try it out! It’s available on most gaming platforms. It’s an amazing game. I wish I could erase my brain and play it again.

Watching Tyler play the Witness while I learn and journal about gardening.

On Saturday I went over to the library and took out some new books. (worms at work by Crystal Stevens, All you need is less by Madeleine Somerville, Sepp Holzer’s Permaculture, and Grow your food for free (well, almost) by Dave Hamilton). So far I’ve read Worms at work and am really excited about getting our worm farm up and running this spring, and I’m about half way through Grow your food for free which I am absolutely in love with. It might be a book I try to purchase. I’m using my BuJo to take notes about what I’m learning so I can reference it when it comes time to start planting.

I retain information better if it looks like an image rather than a bunch of words. Therefore my BuJo is only useful for me, typically.

I also signed up for a beekeeping class! It’s a two day course accredited by the city. Which means I can start my own apiary someday if I decide to / have space. I’m extremely excited about it, I fucking love bees. Lil bumbler bees are basically just miniature cats with wings. So, stay tuned for a whole bunch of blogs about bees.

BEES.

Sunday we had a birthday brunch (dude, can I celebrate every birthday with waffles? Cause fuck yes.) and scheduled a camping trip in June. (Yes yes, while also being aware that we’re going to do our best to be there for the Father’s Day Fishing Derby, mom.) June is starting to look like every weekend is busy now.
We cleaned our house a bit, and I discovered that the corn I planted last week is going bananas. I’ll have to replant them today.

And now it’s Monday.
I’ve been feeling okay, I suppose. I’ve been getting these whole body emotion feels, and they suck, a lot. Like if you’re standing on a high dive and your whole body is screaming “hey bud, don’t do the thing”, only instead of fear I’m sad, or angry. If I could feel that way about like…cleaning or organizing, or anything, that would be greatttt.

Anyways, I hope your week is good. It’s suppose to be in the positives all week, which means the snow should be melting away! I’m excited! I planned out how my garden will look this year, and can’t wait to start growing a bunch of goodies.

Do you garden? What kind of plants do you like? What’s your favorite type?
(I love my mom’s lavender plants, so many bees!) I think we’re growing a bunch of potatoes this year, and apparently lots of corn.

This post is long. Farewell.

i’m afraid

I wrote out my title and left it in my drafts for a few days.

Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?
I couldn’t put it in to words at the time, which I couldn’t tell if that was a symptom of my mental health doing the thing where I can’t think, or if I legitimately didn’t know why I felt fear.

And then I felt it, all at once and all consuming. I’m afraid of feeling better.

Well Phaidra, you know, lots of people are afraid of getting better. Is it because you are afraid of who that person might be? Or maybe it’s because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of being healthy? Or is it something else?

I’ve definitely been afraid of being mentally well because I feel like the human that I am wouldn’t exist anymore, and I’ve been afraid of getting better because I honestly believed that I didn’t deserve it. But this is a different kind of fear.

What scares me the most isn’t getting better.
It’s feeling that moment when everything slides back into place, the sun shines, the butterflies flutter, angels sing – and the depression was just a piece of your story. And you get to be a person. You get to go back to the person you were, or always wanted to be.
I’m afraid that I’ll experience that full life, and suddenly be pulled down into THE BIG DARK SAD again and that terrifies me. Yesterday was busy, and I’ve got negative amount of spoons, but it was a -good day- and I -felt- good.

Today is big, DARK, and getting harder by the minute, and the worst part is that for a moment I was okay, and now, I’m not.

All I can do is wait for the next moment and hope it sticks around a little longer.