A bunch of things happened between here and the last time I wrote.
We lost my baby kitty boy Doppler to Kidney Failure. Right in the thick of all of the chaos. Was not a great time. We cried a lot.
And now we have Newton, who is a 12 pound ball of outer space. He’s an absolute monster next to Peebles with her summer haircut.
ADHD Assessment never happened because of c*vid, and though he’d never met me, the psychologist was suggesting I go on a mood stabilizer. Which sent me in another spiral that omg – what if I’m bipolar? Or borderline? Not that it would be the worst – just that I just needed someone to listen to me. In the end, my doctor was unimpressed with this Doctor (after I told her that he wanted me to remove a medication that helped) and so we did some ADHD trial and error. Hey, whaddya know, I’ve been misdiagnosed my whole life – even though two other people in my immediate family have been diagnosed, and most depression medication didn’t do anything except for make me avoid intimacy. Thankssss.
We went and visited my family in BC for father’s day. We bubbled and basically just sat around and caught up. Then we went up and saw my brother, sister and my nephew more up north. I had a beautiful time, I’m just sad I wasn’t able to spend more time there with them. It was a long 15 hour drive each way, so it’s been nice to just chill.
Okay so, I have done therapy. And I’m a trained Social Worker. I’ve taken classes so I can help other people help themselves. And for some reason, I just have been unable to take the theories that I’ve learned and like, legitimately apply them. CBT – who’s she? So anyway, after neglecting myself and being unable to pull myself out of a funk, I got a life coach. For some reason, Catlord has a thing against life coaches. Same kind of ‘tude that others in my life have had against medication, or talk therapy. But this coach has been incredibly helpful for me so far. She’s able to take all the things that I should be doing and help me organize my life so I can use all of my self-help/care & wellness skills that I already know and apply them to myself. Like compassion. Empathy. Ulgh. Dat burnout though. So anyways, I’m 5 sessions in and I’m pretty happy with the results. Appropriate medication support and someone just helping me see my victories has been kinda life altering.
This week has been a bit strange mental health wise. Not in a bad way – just a stupid thing that happened. I ran out of my medication and called the pharmacy to get a refill of my script to last me until Friday (today). She said she had to contact my doctor’s office and would give me a call letting me know the next step. This was on Sunday. So anyways, Thursday rolls around, here I am, toughing it out without my SSRI medication and I suddenly became so violently ill. I knew that it wasn’t c*vid because we had just gotten tested and received the results. It wasn’t a child because that ain’t happening. Looking up my symptoms and knowing that I was not on my SSRI for over 3 days, I was likely feeling SSRI “discontinuation” symptoms that would likely go away in a few hours after taking the missing medication. The TL;DR is that you shouldn’t miss your medications. I got scolded by my doctor and the nurse lady on health link for not being more stern with the pharmacy, and for not telling the pharmacist that I *needed* my medication **RIGHT THIS MINUTE**. Which yanno, as someone with anxiety and automatic guilt – caused me to spin out for a little while. Not super fun, would not recommend. 1/5 stars.
Anyways, I’ve been just sitting in my backyard watching the cats chase bugs and just living for this calm breeze. Earlier I spent a good two hours scrolling through tiktok on the floor with Tesla. And that’s on mental illness.
We pulled a puzzle out from our Christmas gifts and turned on some music from our childhood. I got a call from a concerned friend and he calmly talked me off a ledge, and I was grateful for the love of others. I stood outside and watched the stars shine. Just a moment. Me, my dog, and the vastness of the universe. I took in a deep breath and felt the healing of the wind. It was just a moment, but it was a moment of clarity.
I’ve been struggling with self soothing techniques. Yesterday was a big, deep, dark sad day and I couldn’t shake the endless loop of darkness and endings. I colored. I sang. I baked. I smoked. I laid down. I cuddled my dog. I hugged my husband. I wrote a blog. I sat in the shower. But nothing really helped.
Except the bright night sky.
I need to get out of this house and go live in the woods. I need to reconnect with myself. I need to sit beside a campfire. I need to paddle a canoe. I need to forage for berries. I need healing.
I’m not going to lie. I’m really struggling with this whole pandemic. Real life was enough of a challenge for me, just getting up is a challenge. Choosing to be a part of life is a challenge. But this pandemic really has me in a horrible mentality.
It’s so weird to be a “helper” human and be unable to help. Back home, I was proudly involved with Emergency Social Services, and whenever there was anything, I was sure to be there, doing something. Anything. But this crisis has me in a state of uselessness. I’m catching a cold (yes, a cold) so I’ve got myself holed up in the house, and I’m losing it. I just want to be out there fixing something.
It’s not like this is any different than any other day for me. As a hermit who works from home, nothing has /really/ changed, but everything has changed, and my heart hurts for it.
Right now we need to band together and be there for each other, but we have to remember to show up for ourselves and be there for yourself. I have to remember to be there for me. And show up for me. And every day it gets harder to do that.
The thing about depression is that your brain lies to you and tells you horrible things. But all of those horrible things are my reality now. And it’s getting to be too much. I know I need to reach out and connect with my humans and check in on others, but I just can’t. My heart aches for everyone and my little empath heart is just too broken to handle all of the stress, pain, and fear. I want to prepare for the worst; batch cook, start my survival garden, take sewing/mending more seriously, be a good wife, be a good home-keeper, but as soon as I start to move to do something, I’m halted by this immense sadness.
I’m just a giant false start with a heavy heart and an inability to let out whatever this beast is weighing me down.
So it’s just a thing that happens. I have an idea or pick up a new craft and suddenly it’s all I think about. But in this case it could actually be going somewhere.
Earlier this month Catlord celebrated his birthday. It’s a big birthday for him, so I got him a real big gift [and I’m usually shit at gifts so…was about time I did better], a 3d printer. As I am researching 3d printers and filaments, my brain says “but like…what happens to the 3d print failures? what is 3d printer filament? must be an easier way to get it.” I somehow stumbled in to small scale plastic recycling as an attempt to mitigate the filament waste [filament is expensive yall].
This later turned in to an immensely huge project.
The “peaches starts a business” project.
I made my way to the precious plastic site and there it was. The answer to my question. The answer to many questions. Precious Plastic is a NFP collective type thing, they share everything they have learned about small scale plastic recycling in easy and inclusive ways *for free* – including machine blueprints, business plans, workspace suggestions etc. I think my main purpose is to take something that is literal garbage and create a conversation around how great this resource is when it is applied to it’s full potential, rather than trinkets and plastic spoons. This post isn’t sponsored or like…an ad. I’m just genuinely excited that there is a way for me to positively impact my physical environment by removing plastic from the landfill. If you’re a likeminded human, I suggest checking out the website, if nothing else, just to see what can of magic can happen when you’re forced into the crunch line of global warming and armed with a bunch of Captain Planet type nerds. So now I’m starting a business with a friend and I’m extremely excited for it. I love my current job [like so much, you have no idea] but I feel like I could take on the work [and like holy shit I need a creative outlet that gets me out of my house I swear to fuck). I have lots of ideas, and I can’t wait to share them, but until then, I just leave you with an invitation to chat about plastic recycling with me and how you can take literal trash and turn it in to amazing things.
And yes, I know – we need to be encouraging less consumption of plastic all together, and like, yes. But also – only 9% of the global amount of plastic is recycled, which means there’s a shit load of it all over the damn place. I think I will always be someone who advocates for the greener choice, someone who says yes to reusing jars and tupperware for a zero waste option, and genuinely doesn’t want anymore plastic created. I would love to get to the point where I can no longer recycle plastic into products because there is a shortage. Here’s hoping.
Anyways, we had a community meeting for PP folks in the city, and I’m really hopeful that something cool will come out of this for all of us. I’m trying to turn my brain off and it’s hard. Hoping the word vomit helps. And the tea. And the drugs.
In 6 months and 10 days I will be marrying the CatLord.
Sweet everloving fuck.
There is so much to do.
In an attempt to keep me from cross stitching today, I dyed my hair and DIYed a makeup trial for the wedding. My hair is now a “midnight blue black” and will likely fade into a blue, and then be just..light blue. I use Ion from Sally’s, I’ve been using it for the last two years, but it’s been a bitch to try and find. For the makeup trial, I just used shit I’ve been hoarding for the last little while (although, to be honest, zero wasters, I did just put a $100 order in at Sephora for some makeup and I feel kinda terrible about it, but also not. Oh the inner turmoil.)
So, after posting my selfie to r/weddingplanning and getting some advice, I need to find a foundation that matches a little more closely to my skin tone. I know I’ll likely get a bit darker before the day of (thanks genes <3) but the CYO Lifeproof colors I have are a bit too neutral for me I think, my skin has a red tone that kinda makes me look a bit orange? But I mean, I love CYO. If you’re in the states, I highly recommend it (like $7 USD and is a holy grail). I may try going back to the Peach Perfect in Nude, or the IT Cosmetics CC creme in light. i may have purchased a tester of Tatcha’s primer thing (that is outrageously over priced), I’m still looking for the ELF dupe. Also apparently the milani lipstick I used is too neutral, so I’m in the market for a good berry colored lip. Would prefer to use one that is either home-made or sustainably packaged.
Idk. It’s really hard to figure out what exactly would need to change to make this look more “bridal”. Like…apparently the dark brown under the eye is too dark. And the eyeshadow could go up higher. And I’m not wearing enough bronzer/highlight/blush. *shrug* I just need better oil controlling shit. I’m currently sitting in my bed being an oil slick and the makeup has only been on for 8 hours, and I haven’t done anything real demanding today so…
In extremely exciting wedding shit news, I’m going to my first dress fitting on Saturday with Cheech! Going to start getting my dress altered and I’m so pumped about it. I think I might go look for some thrift store shoes to wear to the fitting. I’m sure I’ll find something perfect.
Anyways, here’s a picture of Daisy being confused about this fucking goose outside this morning.
So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with a bunch of stuff. I attended a free vermicomposting workshop in my city, which was really informative! They provided materials to build our own vermicompost, so – welcome Wormsteros to the catladyriot family. I’m excited to for these little guys to start getting bigger! I’m looking into purchasing some more red wigglers, as the city provided about a handful of worm, and I think we’ll likely need more based on the amount of organic material we need to compost.
My next adventure is going to be figuring out what the heck I did wrong with our outdoor compost box. I probably need to add more dirt with some bugs in it or something.
I have this thing, where I learn something new and I do that thing until I’ve done it too much. Not obsessed, but like…excited? It happened when I learned a new crochet stitch and ended up screwing up my arm. This time, I have hurt my neck…from cross stitching. I’m the world’s oldest lady. But! I’ve made 4 patterns, and have started a new one! It’s just a really fun way to pass the time. But also, my neck. *sigh* I guess I need to learn about moderation.
In other news, Doppler has been a bit under the weather. I found him all drooly one day (which has happened once a year for the last 3 years). We took him to our vet friend and discovered that one of his canine teeths…tooths…tooth… is loose and may very well have a bit of an infection.
It looks like we will need to take him in to have his tooth removed. But in the meantime, everyone is getting a lot of soft catfood (even Daisy) and extra treats.
Welp. This week is suppose to be really pretty outside. I think CatLord and I are hoping to get some work done on the deck, and potentially the front porch. I’m going to go…not cross stitch.